Confessions Of A Mother

Mother's Day was last weekend and I spent the weekend with my lovely family at Dale Hollow Lake in Tennessee. The weather was sunny with a nippy little breeze.  Outside my skin I was chilly, but inside I felt the warmth of my family.  It was a sweet weekend with massage from my hubby, a gentle boat ride with the baby, dinner, nature walks and quality time spent together.

I was in a great place and I soaked in the closeness of the family at that time. I thought a lot about being a Mother and how lucky I am to have this blessing in my life. Gratitude filled my soul.

On our drive home we had the windows down and were soaking in the fresh air. The closer to Nashville we got the warmer it got. I happened to look back at Amazing, sitting in her car seat, she just woke up from a nap.  She looked very content and as though she might just fall back asleep again.  I stared at her and tuned into myself, thinking how much joy I feel being able to be this little girls Mother. This gift is so special so sacred and I am so in Love with my new role. I am crazy about Mazi.

All of a sudden as I watched my little angel she started to vomit, it just kept coming and coming, I jumped into the back seat like a frog on a lily pad, legs on the back seat and as fast as my fingers could, I whipped Mazi out of her car seat and into my lap, I patted her back and helped her finished spewing out banana, yogurt and whatever else she ate for breakfast.  I held her close to my chest, kissed her head and stripped off her clothing. As I sat in the back seat holding her I imagined what every mother, i'm sure, imagines at these times...what I would do if something terrible happened to this perfect child of mine.  I got teary eyed and my heart felt so much pain that I held her even closer. I could feel her body heat and knew that she was probably sick due to the heat and the bumpy car ride...and nothing more but I couldn't stop these feelings of wanting to protect my child from everything.  JJ sat in the front seat and acted like it was no big deal, "Ah, she's probably car sick, give her some water." which I did, and she threw that up later as well.


I thought about that moment holding my little girl, which by the way she acted like it was no big deal. she wanted to be in my arms but she wasn't crying or anything, just feeling my shock startled her a little.  What do we as Mothers do? I can hardly control my actions with her. Every cry I am there, I have been told "Your spoiling her, she is fine." but I think, she has no other way to communicate and she is crying to tell me to come and get her.  I want to build a relationship of trust, this is where it begins, I want Mazi to trust that I will be there for her.  I must listen to my instincts, and I WILL.  So, everytime she cries I pick her up and she happily reaches out for my touch.  I can't, I just can't let her cry herself to sleep. I put her down for every nap and at bedtime either by nursing, rocking, singing or walking her to sleep. If she wakes up, I get to her side as quickly as I am able and I give her what she needs. Yes, sometimes I miss out on my time and I end up going to bed at 8:30pm but...someday she won't need me. Today she does. Someday she will sleep in her own bed, today she sleeps with us. Someday she will communicate with words, today she cries when she needs me.

What is it in our society that pushes us to make our children independent before they can even walk, roll, crawl, or speak?  I don't get it.   I've heard, "its for their own good, so they don't manipulate you." She is only trying to tell me that she doesn't feel safe in the world quite yet and she wants me there by her side while she gets use to how this crazy place works.

I watched my baby throw-up and it tore out my heart, yet I couldn't do anything to stop it and I wanted to I wanted to take it all away. I know I will always feel this way when she is sick or hurt and I will have to be strong for her. I don't want to enable her but I want to be there for her, WHENEVER she needs me to. This paradox of choices I have and how best to know when I am  enabling or when I am nurturing, I may never know but I feel it inside that I am suppose to be there for everything big or small right now, that today my baby is dependent on me.  I feel nothing telling me that I should push independence on her, that on her own time...yes it may take a few years but on her own time she will step away from me with confidence and with grace!!!

Lucky Number Three

Lucky numbers have always been a thing for me. Seeing the number 11:11 and feeling like I am in the right place at the right time. Feeling like things seem to happen in threes for me, all the time. I guess I have set up the perception that numbers to me are a luck symbol and they have shown to be true.

This month I married my loving partner at the Grand Canyon. Making this my third marriage. The luckiest one of all. I now have a family of three, adding yet, even more luck to the deal.
JJ Peek, in all his simple ways made this wedding incredibly extravagant, in my opinion. He choose the Grand Canyon because he loves it there and because I have always wanted to go see it but never quite made the trip on my own and because of all the magic it offers.  Oh the beauty of this earth!! I am so glad we made it happen the way we did. It was such a time of appreciation for so many reasons. I reflected on the years it took to create such a place and the vast space from one peak to the next, 10 miles across, one mile deep of magnificent red rock canyon.

The desert has always been so special to both JJ and I and now we get to add even more significance to its already spiritual existence!!

We started our day with a Native American named Uqualla, he is the shaman who gave our union the most beautiful blessing. Each word he said spoke directly to us. We resonated with the land, his chanting and the air was filled with our ancestors spirits and our living witnesses of our ever connecting bond of union. We were outside on sacred ground and the world seemed to have froze in place. It was still and reverent as he spoke, at least for a while until Amazing needed to be known...haha! It was simply beautiful, a moment I will never forget.

As we moved toward the Grand Canyon cliffs, JJ wanted to surprise me by holding me in his arms and carrying me to the cliff edge while my eyes were closed. He said he wanted to have me look into the canyon for the first time while I was in his arms. Oh was I shocked, it looked fake as though it was a backdrop or something. The canyon is so big that the distant peaks fade into a slight haze. As we stood there hand in hand, lips to lips I couldn't have been in a more magical moment,  a more magical place...it was perfect! The sun was shinning, the birds are chirping and it seemed that we were the only ones there at the canyon.  It was Easter Sunday and the place was vacant. My brother said some beautiful words, JJ's mother said some too, we read our vows to each other, I cried, and we kissed and kissed til everyone was sick of us doing so. I could have walked around that park all day. Every site was spectacular and different from the one before and as the sun changed so did the shadows and the view. It reminded me of what our marriage will be like. The views will change, there will be shadows uncovered along the way but it will still remain incredibly spectacular and each year it will grow deeper and deeper until the roots are so thick and intertwined that we will never know what it was like not having each other and our bond.

I am so thankful for this life of mine it is as good as it gets! I look forward to the exciting future with a constant reminder that it is this moment that I live for.

To JJ, my love,
You are me sun and my stars my air that I breath. You help me to be better each day and you challenge me like no other has. Thank you for choosing me and for helping me create the family I always wanted. I Love you more than you'll ever know.
~t

Placenta Encapsulation

After the birth of my Amazing Grace I took capsules of my dehydrated placenta for almost a month. Everyday twice a day I ingested my placenta. I have been asked by many people "Why?" did I choose to do this.

Many cultures have been known to eat their placenta after giving birth to it. Animals all do this instinctually why is it that Americans forgot about this part of giving birth?
The placenta is full of nutrients and blood protecting and nourishing our baby as it grows inside us women.  We gave lots and lots of energy and time to grow this for our growing babies and then we push out the child and this vessel of nutrients. This leaves the mother fatigued, tired, low in iron and blood and now having to care for a child in that state.  Recovery from birth is a very challenging one. Having a newborn to care for while the body is in a state of extreme healing and recovery is nothing more than utter exhaustion. Plus, a woman's body after birth is going through a rush of hormones that are all out of balance. This is what leads to "postpartum depression".

80% of mothers experience this in the first days and weeks, sometimes even months after giving birth.

The baby feels this as all emotions are passed through the mothers breastmilk. Some mothers get on antidepressant drugs and pass those onto their newborn baby through the breastmilk. All this can be dealt with naturally with Placenta consumption.  Its because the placenta gives the mother back her nutrients and energy. Filled with iron and nutrients, plus protein, the placenta is an incredible part of the healing process.

I noticed immediate results.  My husband would start to notice my mood changes and would go get me two pills. Almost instantly, I would feel better and more like my self again.  After birth the woman's body will bleed for sometimes weeks. Imagine all this blood loss and nothing replacing that back into the body thats feeding a new life. I was taking walks the very next day after giving birth. I felt decent for just giving birth.  I was living in Tennessee and found it hard to be away from friends and family to share my experience with so I did undergo some sadness and feeling of homesickness but without the pills I know I would have been a mess.

How I felt about nursing and walking on day 2 of  being a Mom!!

 I live in Tennessee and found a woman who started a company called "beautifuldawnings" I called her the day of my birth, she showed up with a cooler, took my placenta, came back the following day with capsules, a tincture for future use, a dried up heart shape of my baby's cord, and a stamped print of the placenta on a piece of paper. The placenta is naturally the shape of a heart...isn't that soo cool!!! so the print is a heart of blood stamped by the placenta. I know I know this sounds weird but to me its beautiful!

 I recommend to every new mother to search out in your community where you can find someone to encapsulate your placenta and enjoy every minute of healing with your experience of  motherhood. Because no one should feel sadness while holding a bundle of joy and no one should be so tired that they miss out on all those times of staring at a sleeping newborn and being filled with gratitude!!

Personal Transformation

I am starting to feel a little less foggy in the head. I felt like since the birth of Amazing Grace my mind has been filled with a thick fog. I have been incredibly forgetful and I have had absolutely no room for new information to be stored...unless it was dealing with baby health and wellness. JJ would talk about the news and current events and my mind would shut off.  I would stare blankly thinking..."what is the importance of this, it doesn't matter and I don't want to think about it"... does it? does it matter whats going on in the world?

Before I was a mother I didn't stop thinking about current events and the falling apart of the planet and our people.  Now, I look at Amazing Grace and I think..."its not falling apart, its changing and the change will have balance like it always has. Look at my baby, she's perfect, she's new, she's....Amazing! and she is here now on this earth sharing it with us all. Nothing to me, is more important than her.  The world will be just as it needs to be for her too."... I will continue to do my part and be an example of the person I want her to be but I too believe that she will probably show me a better person than myself and I will end up wanting to be like her.

I started to come out of this fog and I needed a change, QUICK! I don't want to fall back to old habits, old patterns that tend to sneak up if not stopped. JJ was highly encouraging and pushes for my changes. He drove me to a salon, made me an appointment and has been the best support in my life. He runs his fingers through my head everyday and even styles it himself. He tells me daily how much he loves it and how beautiful I am.

Yup, I did it! I cut off ALL my hair. I always wanted to have short hair, not because I like it, but because I want to experience it in this life. What is it like to have short hair. To wake up and its not in your face, to go on a jog and not tie it back and midway through the jog have to stop and put it back because it fell out, to not wait half the day for it to dry, to not spend so much money on conditioner, to not have to wear a hat when the windows down in your car, to not have little tiny hairs fall out of your ponytail and tickle your face, to not worry about taking out the large dread lock after a wonderful love making session with your husband!  Oh, I wondered...I wondered what it was like...

Now I know!

Its really really nice!!!

Simple. Just the way I like things to be in life.

What I didn't know is that my hair had a history. A long long history. I have had long hair most my life. I have cut it to my shoulders twice before but always grew it right back out. Never had I cut it all off to fresh, new hair.

It was like I was storing past emotions in my hair, an old me that needed to be released. I couldn't see her because she was trapped in an old suit. Once I cut my hair off it was like the new Tarah, the mother, the wife, the yogi, the health lover, the nature girl came flying to the surface. I didn't need a job to define me, I didn't need long hair to be a woman of the earth, I didn't need a business or anything else I am here and I am growing up with my baby and my new husband. This is me, this is Tarah Lynn Peek. I am free!

Spring FEVER!

It has felt like such a long winter this year.  In the past I would look forward to winter for the skiing, snowshoeing, and watching the snowfall.  With a new baby and being in Tennessee none of that was on my list. This year I was mostly inside watching my Amazing grow and develop into a beautiful baby.  She is so full of curiosity and her personality is perfect. We did find a lot of time to be outside but the weather in Nashville is such a drag. Its either windy, rainy, or just gloomy without any white coverage.

There has been many changes inside however!

JJ and his mother helped make our little cave into a light filled basement. They had some windows punched out of the walls and in our bedroom to let the much needed sunshine into the house.  Mazi and I have been much better with the extra sunlight.  There is nothing like waking up with the sunshine.

Trying to get enough vitamin D these days is a challenging one. I am addicted to the sun and its much needed nourishment.

We have been visiting the local flea market and finding some old treasures to redo and place around the home, and we redecorated the living room to add some much needed change to the inside flow of things. Seeds are planted and growing in the window sills and we are trying to be so patient as we wait for spring to come.

Mazi is already a child of the outdoors. She sleeps best when on a walk. Going outside can always calm her down if she gets stir crazy and she watches out the window longing for her time outside each day. Rain or shine we venture out daily to give us some fresh air. She has been a trooper with all the weather. Tennessee can present such dreary weather and it lasts for days. We are currently in a 4 day overcast/rain spell right now and my frown hasn't been turned upside down.

I sure do lose a lot of inspiration for writing and being creative during these times of life and I feel as though I should be the most creative so I can show Mazi all the incredible things about life. My energy is low, my mind is too active but mostly on the the past and future, staying present is a challenge. I am so thankful that I have time for Mazi each day and she is what occupies my every moment of every day. I am just watching her grow, practicing multitasking, cooking new foods, and waiting...waiting for the sun to shine and take us out of this stagnation we are in.  I even caught a cold to make it all just a little more challenging.

I miss home, I miss my family and friends and I am in-LOVE with my own little family. Its the Yin to the Yang of life.

I personally, have gone through some much needed changes of my own this winter and already feel the new me starting to sprout, where it will take me? Thats left up to the almighty!

Gluten-Free, Casein-Free Mommy and Baby

Yes, I am struggling to find me time, me time to write, me time to sleep, me time to yoga, me time to meditate and it is ok....for now...the me is a WE.

Me time is now focused on my favorite new spirit, Mrs Amazing Grace and we are practicing the most basic parts of life eating food, and excreting the waste. She is getting it down perfectly.

We are Gluten-Free and Casein/Dairy Free.

 Ever since Mazi was 3 weeks old she needed a gentler way of digesting food, even if her food was Momma's milk.

 I noticed that Mazi was colicy and cranky and it wasn't because she was a baby, It was because the poor little thing was hurting. Most babies go through this and I was told "all babies go through this, its normal." I could tell she was very uncomfortable inside her body, this wasn't normal. It broke my heart, what was a new mother to do when her only care in the world is hurting? I watched her body wriggle and her face cringe with pain. I knew it was her little digestive system. After days of reading and talking to friends I realized I needed to try a new eating routine. My diet was now for my Mazi Grace and she needed a change.

I first started with cutting out all Gluten and Dairy from my diet. She did better but not perfect so I cut sugars other than fruit and gassy vegetables. My baby became a different child after about three weeks on this diet. She was content!

Now, Amazing Grace is  6 months, I have been eating this way the whole time and she has been solely breastfed.  Mazi is now recognizing her bowel movements and she is understanding her own body...I even notice her listening to her breath sometimes. Its incredible how intelligent she is!!

But...

She is almost ready for solid foods and this has got me thinking do I keep her off gluten and dairy? Permanently? Such a hard choice to make as a mom I want her to experience all kinds of foods but I also want her to be comfortable and happy without allergies.

I have been reading about autism and the mind/gut connection and how many mothers dealing with boys and autism change their diet and most, if not all symptoms, go away. Allergies, digestive problems, asthma, ADHD, arthritis, eczema and many more ailments clear up and vanish!

Now Mazi is healthy and isn't dealing with any of these problems but what if they start coming on after she starts adding these foods to her system and her system gets toxic and inflamed?

These are my thoughts this is my concern. I am absolutely shocked at pediatricians not teaching or focusing on these topics and sharing with their patients the importance of food and child development. I for now will rely on other wonderful mothers and my intuition to decide how best to introduce my Amazing to the world of FOOD!

Until things change we are Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free people!

The Last Night of 2012

It is the last evening of 2012. The world is still here.  Some parts are incredibly sad but some are so beautiful too. Just like everything in existence there must be the opposite of all things to create balance. The yin and yang to life.  I have experienced much of the opposites in my own life.
This must be balance in a different way than I've ever felt before.
I am spending this New Years at my parents home in Utah. I put my sweet baby to sleep at 830 after a nice warm bath with her. We gazed at each other, nursed in the tub, smiled and laughed then she passed out. I made sorbet and ate some nuts in my pajamas. My sister who is also a new mother was with me and we talked as our babies slept.  Such joy I feel to have this wonderful child and get to call her my daughter. How thankful I am to be sharing this experience with my only sister.  How lovely it is to be with my mother and father and brothers. They are celebrating with friends tonight but i have been around them so much during the holidays and its been wonderful.
The beautiful part of my life in 2012.

On the other side I am away from my new husband and the New Year will pass with this distance between us and no man to press my lips against during this celebration of time.  I feel a gap in my core with him away.  He is in Tennessee at our home, the home I am trying so hard to find peace and acceptance with. I long to be in Utah with family but must accept where life takes me.  JJ got a great job in Nashville and it will bring our family more opportunity in our future.  However, we are in Nashville for at least another year.
This is the hard part of my life in 2012.

My mind is filled with many thoughts as I think about life and the changes it brings. What I would usually be doing on this night is dress up and meet up with friends and laugh the night away or go out listen to live music and dance til my feet ache, drink champagne and sip on coctails.  I've even spent two New Year's Eves in the backcountry of southern Utah with nature. What I've never done is tuck my baby in to bed, and write on a blog the night of a New Year.

Where I am in life is right in the middle of this balance of life. It's a bitter sweet place.  I am so in love with Amazing Grace and am proud to spent my last day of 2012 by her side in my pajamas while she sleeps soundly to the sound of distance fireworks and my breath.  This is a blessing and I will not take this moment for granted.

I miss my Mr. Peek and am glad he is in my life to miss. This next year will be so wonderful to go through the daily changes of Amazing and I don't want to miss one day! My family has grown and so has my spirit. I feel this shift in me and I surrender to its force. I am filled with emotions of both highs and lows and laugh at the crazy bliss motherhood brings me.

May the New Year be filled with peace, love and lots and lots of joy.
Happiest of New Years we all made it this far!!!