1 YEAR!?!?!?

Not so fast...are the thoughts that are going on in my head. She has already shared one year of her life here on earth with JJ and I. I can hardly believe how the time has passed. I know, I've heard it from everyone...it gets faster and faster each year.  Nothing can prepare me for the actual speed.

I remember her birth so well and the feelings I had once she was in my arms.  I remember the fear of early motherhood and all the personal challenges I had trying to cope without my family and friends. I remember her face, her breathing body and watching her sleep peacefully everyday, trusting that she was born into safe hands. I remember so much about this year, its so hard to believe its over.

I look back at pictures of her as a wee little baby and am so happy that I had the bond I had with her.  I held her through every moment of life that she wanted me too.

I offered her the comfort of my breast at her demand and I don't regret one minute of it.  There were hard times, in the car, on a walk, in public...EVERYWHERE, at night.  Sometimes it was real hard, I was so tired and my body felt drained but it continued to give its all to Amazing Grace. I write all this down so I will always remember.  She won't always need me like this, I can't think about that because holding her and feeding her and comforting her is what makes me move at this time in my life. She is my everything.

She has grown into such a unique and "Amazing" individual.  Her personality is developing so strongly and she cracks JJ and I up with her behavior.  When the first sight of day approaches she crawls up to my face, taps it somewhat gently and loudly says "Hi". Then she looks at JJ, waves and loudly "Hi". I wake up very smiley, she is adorable!

She says "Hi" to everything she sees. Her favorites are the tractor, the dogs, the chickens, airplanes, her bay doll (oh boy does she love that) the moon, her dad,  people around town, the birds and butterflies the list goes on and on.  Her little hand waves and she gives a big "Hi theeeeeee" meaning "Hi There" she is saying more and more words each day and her favorite way to point is with her middle finger.  She will look to us and say "This" as she wants to know what all the world is. She climbs on everything but is shy about standing on her own.

She is a natural fish and enjoys every source of water she can get into.

She loves to swing, her car, her wagon and to crawl around the yard and investigate all nature offers.

Eating is a joy but she has days where food is the last thing on her mind.

She could read books all day and she loves being held by JJ and especially, me.

Still is hesitant to be in the arms of any other, yet she wants her independence so bad. So funny.  She will laugh so hard at one thing but the second it stops the serious analytical face is back! Her squinty smile with her teeth clenched is the best thing I see everyday, I am so thankful I get to see her face so much.

 She potties every morning in her potty and she loves to brush her teeth the second she is done! Often before washing her hands...oh well! She loves the nude, the boob, and water! Oh, I could go on and on about this little girl and the quirky things that make her...her.

We are throwing a birthday bash here on the farm with her family, whom she hasn't met yet. It will be the greatest celebration I've put on so far.  I do wish my family and friends from back home were here to help us party it up on the 31st of August. I will post pic and video of the event.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS AMAZING GRACE PEEK!

I'm so thankful to be your Momma and I couldn't do it without this guy!!! Love You Mr Peek!!!

World Breastfeeding Week!

Her First Latch Of Life

Last week was world breastfeeding week.  I practice breastfeeding, quite openly actually, embarrasing my mother when I whip it out in public. I do it because my Mazi doesn't like to eat under a blanket. If I cover her up she throws the cover off and looks at me with an expression of, "Mom, I can't see when you do that!" Her eyes move back and forth as she studies the world around her while secure and safe on the breast of her mother...ME!  She sits in her sling, attached to my hip and takes in her surroundings.  Still, my child prefers me to another holding her, except her father, of course.  I allow her all the time she needs now to prepare her for a confident future.  Its not always easy, in the middle of the night I am feeding her still and she wants me so often during the day that I am unable to get away for longer than 2 hours. I miss time on the town alone with my loving and patient husband. A weekend getaway is out of the question til mazi no longer needs me to be close, but still I choose to breastfeed and sacrafice time for me until she is older and mentally ready for life unattached!

Day Two Of Breastfeeding, Great Latch. Growing Strong!

I know this way of thinking is, well...ancient... and practiced by may cultures, except ours. I find it natural and easy.  I don't think about it, I simply respond to Mazi's natural instinct to stay close and to sip her mothers milk for comfort.

Loving My New Role As Mother

I am privileged that I am able to breastfeed. My body loves it and produces good milk. I am thankful that my nipples are easy for my baby to latch onto, as I know some whom have struggled with their little ones latching.  I am so very thankful for the bond this has created for both me and Amazing, we are so close and I believe this trusting relationship will last our entire lives if its continually cherished.

Gazing Into Each Others Eyes

Breastfeeding is the healthiest way to feed our young.  Our milk is designed for our babies and produces the best formulated food for them.  Even if we were malnourished and suffering from a famine our milk will drain our own bodies and feed our young a balanced diet. We are Divine creatures and we don't even have to do much to make this happen.

Feeding And Comforting At Night

Breastfeeding Giggles! The Best!

I hear of some who think that breastfeeding is a burden or they simple don't have time for feeding their babies from their bodies. I am sad for our humanity when women have come to this way of thinking.  Every child deserves that bond and nourishment in the beginning of life. The LLL (Le Leche League) has a list of women whom share their milk with mothers who are unable to produce their own. Even another human mothers milk is far better than synthetic formula or milk from another animal, usually pumped with hormones that make our children grow far too big, too fast.  We all do what we must and I respect everyones personal decision. I only wish I could help all those mothers and babies who need help with breastfeeding.  It is such a glorious thing we can do as mothers.

A Moment Of Comfort In The Middle Of The Day

Getting Comforted In The Chaos Of Traveling

So, in light of last week I say BREAST IS BEST!!! Happy Breastfeeding Year! I will be on the wagon  for at least another year!

Dark Night In Candlelight

I've spent many nights lately, on the floor with only candlelight.  As I sit in my favorite position...Lotus.  I ask, I listen, I wait.  I watch the flame flicker and suddenly it becomes still, like my mind for a moment.  It comes to me with little surprise.  Its my Soul,  she's reconnecting again!!  I wait longer and realize what I already know.  Somehow, the things that make me tick, that keep me breathing are forgotten in this life of mine.  I get so sidetracked and very often distracted from the things I am moving toward.

LOVE. Family. The Way Of A Natural Life.

It seems that I know where I need to be but I get lost in the memories of what once was.  I was once again reminded that I am where I am suppose to be.

BE. This word of patience and stillness. So hard.

I wonder quickly to myself, as my mind must run its course of possibilities, Tennessee? The south? Away from my home? How is this my place? but it is and I know it.  I have all the time available here for Amazing...she is my answer.  I am to give her my energy, my attention, my time.  I do, but my mind still reaches elsewhere for that part of me I once knew. The old Tarah, whom lived for herself.  Amazing Grace will be what it takes to reconnect me to the deepest parts of me that even I couldn't access without her.  The important parts that give my Soul her purpose, the purpose that I must live up to.  I must stop thinking about myself, this is not my time.  Is it really so difficult to not be selfish in life?I have this need and desire to fulfill my ego...grrr the ego!

This is the time for Amazing Grace Peek.  She is an incredibly unique soul, born on the blue moon of August 31, in the magical year of 2012. The year where all the energies of the past built it up to give it enough attention to bring her here successfully...and it worked.  She is here on Earth, and she chose to be with me!!

I am going to give her the attention she needs and put myself, once again, on hold.  I believe that I will grow with her, together we will see the depths of our hearts and the nectar of our souls as they mature in arms, together as mother and daughter. I will be shown all I need by raising this little angel.

This is all for you Miss Amazing Grace. 

Amazing you have helped me see what life is about, the simple joys of each day.  You remind me of forgiveness and unconditional Love.  You have chosen your father and me to grow with you and to walk this world holding your hand.  I am forever humbled.  Forever grateful.  Looking into your eyes is like looking at Divine light, you carry the Grace of God little one. You melt my heart.  Thank you, Thank you for giving me this opportunity to be a mother.

Be still my mind!

~t

Amazing's First Summer (Part 1)

 This is a post of Pictures...

I take sooo many and would fill up most of everyone's time if I was to post them all individually so I crammed them into small, itty bitty collages.

This is the first summer, of many, for little Amazing Grace Peek. I am trying to keep up with her curiosity and excitement for life. Getting a little worn out but loving my time spent with her.  She keeps me laughing, her faces are to die for and she is the sunshine of my life.  Both JJ and I are CRAZY about our MAZI!!

We have tried out bike riding, cruising around in a "little tikes" car, had picnics with daddy, gone to the pool...many many times, visited friends and tried to fit in naps somewhere in between all that.

 Mazi's cousin CJ came to visit and they had such a good time together, he entertained her while I got some much needed break time...come back CJ!! Look at her faces...OMG!

 We joined the Peek family on a trip on the lake.  Captain JJ guided us for the day and set us up for quite the adventure as we navigated through a southern thunder storm. We all got soaking wet and broke a prop but landed in the harbor in one piece with only a few lost tears.

 

 Aunt Ambie and cousin Miloh came to visit for two weeks and it was a delight to share our every waking hour with these two, BBQs, walks, talks, and chillin with the babies was so nice. I personally can't wait to be near them again. These two girls NEED to grow up together!

Our family welcomed four new members. Pansey, Punkin, Pudin, and Posey. Some Long Island Red chickens. They have such funny personalities and are so fun to watch. Mazi is very entertained by them and other than eating their cage she talks to them and tries to mimic their calls. She is doing so good with animal sounds. She can mimic a horse, chicken, and airplane...oh yes, she loves airplanes.

Mazi is crawling, pulling up on everything, eating by herself, growing vampire teeth, potty's in the morning on a toilet, she says "Dada" "Mom""Up" "HI" and all kinds of other sounds that I'm not quite sure what they are yet.  She waves to everyone and everything and loves to clap at herself when she is proud of her achievements. She makes me laugh, even in the middle of the night when she tries to make new words as her dad and I try to sleep.

I'm trying to keep up with her and find she takes all my time, which for now is fine cause she is my world and she still uses me for her survival.  I am thrilled to give from my body. I am sooo grateful that I can do so. I find peace in the moments we share hugging and gazing at each other.

Thank you JJ for being patient with us.  We love you soo much as you make this learning experience much better because your our guy!

Dark Night Of The Soul

I woke up the other morning completely and utterly confused.  I got down on my knees and sat by myself in silence. I rarely fall to my knees in meditation first thing in the morning, usually it takes me a while to gather myself in the morning and I meditate in the afternoon or evening with the sunset.
I didn't sleep much that night and have had several nights of terrible sleep, mostly due to Mazi teething, but this was me alone staring at the ceiling tiles while my family was peacefully catching ZZZZ's without me. Frustrated and confused I wondered...what is going on with me? Why with a beautiful little girl and a providing husband do I feel something missing? A hole inside.

I went for a morning walk and reflected and pondered...it came to me. Now let me explain.

I have lived my life from a very young age connected to my spirit. The spirit to me is light airy above and beyond connecting me to the oneness of life, the entire "we are all one, we are connected to all" I get this, I feel this, the spirit I am good at...I have been spiritual most my life, even made an income on my spirituality and taught others how to come to feel their own. The spirit always IS. We just need to be still for one moment and there it is with us forever...

but....

What about my soul?
The soul to me is grounding like a tree, dense, inside in my core, eternal yet very physical and human. I haven't given much time to get to know my soul. I run into things in life that trigger a soulful response and I often soak them up and feel almost high with that moment, loving it deeply, very full and for a sec, content. I recognize the sensations of my soul but I don't have a relationship with, lets say, her. My soul is the part of me that never leaves in life or death, I believe it is the unique part of me that is only mine. The spirit however is Divine and is one with ALL.

Maybe this makes sense, maybe not.  For me, I totally get it.

Having my baby girl has grounded me more than anything else in life. I thought my yoga practice grounded me but it actually kept me a float, I was in a total state of bliss and lightness, I was disconnected from my soul. I wanted to see things as positive and Divine, always. Thats a great way to live but it isn't human. In order for my experience in life to be total and complete I need to understand the depths of human emotion and action.

Mazi lives her life from her soul. She responds emotionally and feels deeply. Watching her teaches me this. She is completely present at all times, and for now, she focuses on her physical sensations and desires. She tests what pleases her and what she could do without. Surprisingly, she knows quite quickly what feeds her soul in her place in life. I once knew too when I was younger but I got side tracked in other agendas.

I still suffer to truly understand what my soul is all about, I am in "the dark night of my soul", a very important place to BE in, to recognize.  I know people struggle to find their purpose in this life, I believe that purpose is the soul becoming fulfilled, whatever that may be is different for each of us. I don't really know what this entails at this stage. If I was not a mother my way of connecting back to my relationship with my soul would be much different.  I don't really know where to go and what to do with that relationship when I give most of my time to my little gal. I know that things for me will continue to be confusing for a bit while I focus on Mazi and live in this dark night of the soul.

However, I still embrace it and will write about what I find here in the RAW.

~t

Cousins!

Mazi and I spent about a month in Utah after our wedding at my parents house.  My sister is living there right now and she has a little girl 3 months younger than Mazi.  Little Miloh, well she isn't too little since she weighs more than Mazi already. It was such a nice stay, we did so many fun activities as well as doing nothing at all some days.   After a week of being back in Tennessee, Amber and Miloh came out to stay with us for two weeks. We have had a great time hanging together and sharing our lives.  They are leaving tomorrow and it is so sad. I really hate that they are so far away from us. Someday soon I will be close to my family again!!  I can't express how nice it is to have family with me each day. Yes, my sister and I fight still sometimes, but we always smooth it over as our personalities are so different but our souls are so connected.

Each day was filled with walks, talks, the zoo, swimming, parties, and lots of cousin time.  These two little girls are finally starting to notice each other.  They take interest in grabbing each others hair, ears, and any other protruding body part.  They will often talk together, taking turns at screaming and gooing.  I even noticed that Mazi has a possession over her toys already or maybe its just she wants whatever Miloh has at that time.  I am thrilled that Mazi has a cousin that is her age to grow up with and create many memories with. I have many close cousins and the memories I share with them will never leave me. This is such a great time in our lives.

We will surely miss the company when they leave us tomorrow.

Confessions Of A Mother

Mother's Day was last weekend and I spent the weekend with my lovely family at Dale Hollow Lake in Tennessee. The weather was sunny with a nippy little breeze.  Outside my skin I was chilly, but inside I felt the warmth of my family.  It was a sweet weekend with massage from my hubby, a gentle boat ride with the baby, dinner, nature walks and quality time spent together.

I was in a great place and I soaked in the closeness of the family at that time. I thought a lot about being a Mother and how lucky I am to have this blessing in my life. Gratitude filled my soul.

On our drive home we had the windows down and were soaking in the fresh air. The closer to Nashville we got the warmer it got. I happened to look back at Amazing, sitting in her car seat, she just woke up from a nap.  She looked very content and as though she might just fall back asleep again.  I stared at her and tuned into myself, thinking how much joy I feel being able to be this little girls Mother. This gift is so special so sacred and I am so in Love with my new role. I am crazy about Mazi.

All of a sudden as I watched my little angel she started to vomit, it just kept coming and coming, I jumped into the back seat like a frog on a lily pad, legs on the back seat and as fast as my fingers could, I whipped Mazi out of her car seat and into my lap, I patted her back and helped her finished spewing out banana, yogurt and whatever else she ate for breakfast.  I held her close to my chest, kissed her head and stripped off her clothing. As I sat in the back seat holding her I imagined what every mother, i'm sure, imagines at these times...what I would do if something terrible happened to this perfect child of mine.  I got teary eyed and my heart felt so much pain that I held her even closer. I could feel her body heat and knew that she was probably sick due to the heat and the bumpy car ride...and nothing more but I couldn't stop these feelings of wanting to protect my child from everything.  JJ sat in the front seat and acted like it was no big deal, "Ah, she's probably car sick, give her some water." which I did, and she threw that up later as well.


I thought about that moment holding my little girl, which by the way she acted like it was no big deal. she wanted to be in my arms but she wasn't crying or anything, just feeling my shock startled her a little.  What do we as Mothers do? I can hardly control my actions with her. Every cry I am there, I have been told "Your spoiling her, she is fine." but I think, she has no other way to communicate and she is crying to tell me to come and get her.  I want to build a relationship of trust, this is where it begins, I want Mazi to trust that I will be there for her.  I must listen to my instincts, and I WILL.  So, everytime she cries I pick her up and she happily reaches out for my touch.  I can't, I just can't let her cry herself to sleep. I put her down for every nap and at bedtime either by nursing, rocking, singing or walking her to sleep. If she wakes up, I get to her side as quickly as I am able and I give her what she needs. Yes, sometimes I miss out on my time and I end up going to bed at 8:30pm but...someday she won't need me. Today she does. Someday she will sleep in her own bed, today she sleeps with us. Someday she will communicate with words, today she cries when she needs me.

What is it in our society that pushes us to make our children independent before they can even walk, roll, crawl, or speak?  I don't get it.   I've heard, "its for their own good, so they don't manipulate you." She is only trying to tell me that she doesn't feel safe in the world quite yet and she wants me there by her side while she gets use to how this crazy place works.

I watched my baby throw-up and it tore out my heart, yet I couldn't do anything to stop it and I wanted to I wanted to take it all away. I know I will always feel this way when she is sick or hurt and I will have to be strong for her. I don't want to enable her but I want to be there for her, WHENEVER she needs me to. This paradox of choices I have and how best to know when I am  enabling or when I am nurturing, I may never know but I feel it inside that I am suppose to be there for everything big or small right now, that today my baby is dependent on me.  I feel nothing telling me that I should push independence on her, that on her own time...yes it may take a few years but on her own time she will step away from me with confidence and with grace!!!