Dark Night Of The Soul

I woke up the other morning completely and utterly confused.  I got down on my knees and sat by myself in silence. I rarely fall to my knees in meditation first thing in the morning, usually it takes me a while to gather myself in the morning and I meditate in the afternoon or evening with the sunset.
I didn't sleep much that night and have had several nights of terrible sleep, mostly due to Mazi teething, but this was me alone staring at the ceiling tiles while my family was peacefully catching ZZZZ's without me. Frustrated and confused I wondered...what is going on with me? Why with a beautiful little girl and a providing husband do I feel something missing? A hole inside.

I went for a morning walk and reflected and pondered...it came to me. Now let me explain.

I have lived my life from a very young age connected to my spirit. The spirit to me is light airy above and beyond connecting me to the oneness of life, the entire "we are all one, we are connected to all" I get this, I feel this, the spirit I am good at...I have been spiritual most my life, even made an income on my spirituality and taught others how to come to feel their own. The spirit always IS. We just need to be still for one moment and there it is with us forever...

but....

What about my soul?
The soul to me is grounding like a tree, dense, inside in my core, eternal yet very physical and human. I haven't given much time to get to know my soul. I run into things in life that trigger a soulful response and I often soak them up and feel almost high with that moment, loving it deeply, very full and for a sec, content. I recognize the sensations of my soul but I don't have a relationship with, lets say, her. My soul is the part of me that never leaves in life or death, I believe it is the unique part of me that is only mine. The spirit however is Divine and is one with ALL.

Maybe this makes sense, maybe not.  For me, I totally get it.

Having my baby girl has grounded me more than anything else in life. I thought my yoga practice grounded me but it actually kept me a float, I was in a total state of bliss and lightness, I was disconnected from my soul. I wanted to see things as positive and Divine, always. Thats a great way to live but it isn't human. In order for my experience in life to be total and complete I need to understand the depths of human emotion and action.

Mazi lives her life from her soul. She responds emotionally and feels deeply. Watching her teaches me this. She is completely present at all times, and for now, she focuses on her physical sensations and desires. She tests what pleases her and what she could do without. Surprisingly, she knows quite quickly what feeds her soul in her place in life. I once knew too when I was younger but I got side tracked in other agendas.

I still suffer to truly understand what my soul is all about, I am in "the dark night of my soul", a very important place to BE in, to recognize.  I know people struggle to find their purpose in this life, I believe that purpose is the soul becoming fulfilled, whatever that may be is different for each of us. I don't really know what this entails at this stage. If I was not a mother my way of connecting back to my relationship with my soul would be much different.  I don't really know where to go and what to do with that relationship when I give most of my time to my little gal. I know that things for me will continue to be confusing for a bit while I focus on Mazi and live in this dark night of the soul.

However, I still embrace it and will write about what I find here in the RAW.

~t

Cousins!

Mazi and I spent about a month in Utah after our wedding at my parents house.  My sister is living there right now and she has a little girl 3 months younger than Mazi.  Little Miloh, well she isn't too little since she weighs more than Mazi already. It was such a nice stay, we did so many fun activities as well as doing nothing at all some days.   After a week of being back in Tennessee, Amber and Miloh came out to stay with us for two weeks. We have had a great time hanging together and sharing our lives.  They are leaving tomorrow and it is so sad. I really hate that they are so far away from us. Someday soon I will be close to my family again!!  I can't express how nice it is to have family with me each day. Yes, my sister and I fight still sometimes, but we always smooth it over as our personalities are so different but our souls are so connected.

Each day was filled with walks, talks, the zoo, swimming, parties, and lots of cousin time.  These two little girls are finally starting to notice each other.  They take interest in grabbing each others hair, ears, and any other protruding body part.  They will often talk together, taking turns at screaming and gooing.  I even noticed that Mazi has a possession over her toys already or maybe its just she wants whatever Miloh has at that time.  I am thrilled that Mazi has a cousin that is her age to grow up with and create many memories with. I have many close cousins and the memories I share with them will never leave me. This is such a great time in our lives.

We will surely miss the company when they leave us tomorrow.

Confessions Of A Mother

Mother's Day was last weekend and I spent the weekend with my lovely family at Dale Hollow Lake in Tennessee. The weather was sunny with a nippy little breeze.  Outside my skin I was chilly, but inside I felt the warmth of my family.  It was a sweet weekend with massage from my hubby, a gentle boat ride with the baby, dinner, nature walks and quality time spent together.

I was in a great place and I soaked in the closeness of the family at that time. I thought a lot about being a Mother and how lucky I am to have this blessing in my life. Gratitude filled my soul.

On our drive home we had the windows down and were soaking in the fresh air. The closer to Nashville we got the warmer it got. I happened to look back at Amazing, sitting in her car seat, she just woke up from a nap.  She looked very content and as though she might just fall back asleep again.  I stared at her and tuned into myself, thinking how much joy I feel being able to be this little girls Mother. This gift is so special so sacred and I am so in Love with my new role. I am crazy about Mazi.

All of a sudden as I watched my little angel she started to vomit, it just kept coming and coming, I jumped into the back seat like a frog on a lily pad, legs on the back seat and as fast as my fingers could, I whipped Mazi out of her car seat and into my lap, I patted her back and helped her finished spewing out banana, yogurt and whatever else she ate for breakfast.  I held her close to my chest, kissed her head and stripped off her clothing. As I sat in the back seat holding her I imagined what every mother, i'm sure, imagines at these times...what I would do if something terrible happened to this perfect child of mine.  I got teary eyed and my heart felt so much pain that I held her even closer. I could feel her body heat and knew that she was probably sick due to the heat and the bumpy car ride...and nothing more but I couldn't stop these feelings of wanting to protect my child from everything.  JJ sat in the front seat and acted like it was no big deal, "Ah, she's probably car sick, give her some water." which I did, and she threw that up later as well.


I thought about that moment holding my little girl, which by the way she acted like it was no big deal. she wanted to be in my arms but she wasn't crying or anything, just feeling my shock startled her a little.  What do we as Mothers do? I can hardly control my actions with her. Every cry I am there, I have been told "Your spoiling her, she is fine." but I think, she has no other way to communicate and she is crying to tell me to come and get her.  I want to build a relationship of trust, this is where it begins, I want Mazi to trust that I will be there for her.  I must listen to my instincts, and I WILL.  So, everytime she cries I pick her up and she happily reaches out for my touch.  I can't, I just can't let her cry herself to sleep. I put her down for every nap and at bedtime either by nursing, rocking, singing or walking her to sleep. If she wakes up, I get to her side as quickly as I am able and I give her what she needs. Yes, sometimes I miss out on my time and I end up going to bed at 8:30pm but...someday she won't need me. Today she does. Someday she will sleep in her own bed, today she sleeps with us. Someday she will communicate with words, today she cries when she needs me.

What is it in our society that pushes us to make our children independent before they can even walk, roll, crawl, or speak?  I don't get it.   I've heard, "its for their own good, so they don't manipulate you." She is only trying to tell me that she doesn't feel safe in the world quite yet and she wants me there by her side while she gets use to how this crazy place works.

I watched my baby throw-up and it tore out my heart, yet I couldn't do anything to stop it and I wanted to I wanted to take it all away. I know I will always feel this way when she is sick or hurt and I will have to be strong for her. I don't want to enable her but I want to be there for her, WHENEVER she needs me to. This paradox of choices I have and how best to know when I am  enabling or when I am nurturing, I may never know but I feel it inside that I am suppose to be there for everything big or small right now, that today my baby is dependent on me.  I feel nothing telling me that I should push independence on her, that on her own time...yes it may take a few years but on her own time she will step away from me with confidence and with grace!!!

Lucky Number Three

Lucky numbers have always been a thing for me. Seeing the number 11:11 and feeling like I am in the right place at the right time. Feeling like things seem to happen in threes for me, all the time. I guess I have set up the perception that numbers to me are a luck symbol and they have shown to be true.

This month I married my loving partner at the Grand Canyon. Making this my third marriage. The luckiest one of all. I now have a family of three, adding yet, even more luck to the deal.
JJ Peek, in all his simple ways made this wedding incredibly extravagant, in my opinion. He choose the Grand Canyon because he loves it there and because I have always wanted to go see it but never quite made the trip on my own and because of all the magic it offers.  Oh the beauty of this earth!! I am so glad we made it happen the way we did. It was such a time of appreciation for so many reasons. I reflected on the years it took to create such a place and the vast space from one peak to the next, 10 miles across, one mile deep of magnificent red rock canyon.

The desert has always been so special to both JJ and I and now we get to add even more significance to its already spiritual existence!!

We started our day with a Native American named Uqualla, he is the shaman who gave our union the most beautiful blessing. Each word he said spoke directly to us. We resonated with the land, his chanting and the air was filled with our ancestors spirits and our living witnesses of our ever connecting bond of union. We were outside on sacred ground and the world seemed to have froze in place. It was still and reverent as he spoke, at least for a while until Amazing needed to be known...haha! It was simply beautiful, a moment I will never forget.

As we moved toward the Grand Canyon cliffs, JJ wanted to surprise me by holding me in his arms and carrying me to the cliff edge while my eyes were closed. He said he wanted to have me look into the canyon for the first time while I was in his arms. Oh was I shocked, it looked fake as though it was a backdrop or something. The canyon is so big that the distant peaks fade into a slight haze. As we stood there hand in hand, lips to lips I couldn't have been in a more magical moment,  a more magical place...it was perfect! The sun was shinning, the birds are chirping and it seemed that we were the only ones there at the canyon.  It was Easter Sunday and the place was vacant. My brother said some beautiful words, JJ's mother said some too, we read our vows to each other, I cried, and we kissed and kissed til everyone was sick of us doing so. I could have walked around that park all day. Every site was spectacular and different from the one before and as the sun changed so did the shadows and the view. It reminded me of what our marriage will be like. The views will change, there will be shadows uncovered along the way but it will still remain incredibly spectacular and each year it will grow deeper and deeper until the roots are so thick and intertwined that we will never know what it was like not having each other and our bond.

I am so thankful for this life of mine it is as good as it gets! I look forward to the exciting future with a constant reminder that it is this moment that I live for.

To JJ, my love,
You are me sun and my stars my air that I breath. You help me to be better each day and you challenge me like no other has. Thank you for choosing me and for helping me create the family I always wanted. I Love you more than you'll ever know.
~t

Placenta Encapsulation

After the birth of my Amazing Grace I took capsules of my dehydrated placenta for almost a month. Everyday twice a day I ingested my placenta. I have been asked by many people "Why?" did I choose to do this.

Many cultures have been known to eat their placenta after giving birth to it. Animals all do this instinctually why is it that Americans forgot about this part of giving birth?
The placenta is full of nutrients and blood protecting and nourishing our baby as it grows inside us women.  We gave lots and lots of energy and time to grow this for our growing babies and then we push out the child and this vessel of nutrients. This leaves the mother fatigued, tired, low in iron and blood and now having to care for a child in that state.  Recovery from birth is a very challenging one. Having a newborn to care for while the body is in a state of extreme healing and recovery is nothing more than utter exhaustion. Plus, a woman's body after birth is going through a rush of hormones that are all out of balance. This is what leads to "postpartum depression".

80% of mothers experience this in the first days and weeks, sometimes even months after giving birth.

The baby feels this as all emotions are passed through the mothers breastmilk. Some mothers get on antidepressant drugs and pass those onto their newborn baby through the breastmilk. All this can be dealt with naturally with Placenta consumption.  Its because the placenta gives the mother back her nutrients and energy. Filled with iron and nutrients, plus protein, the placenta is an incredible part of the healing process.

I noticed immediate results.  My husband would start to notice my mood changes and would go get me two pills. Almost instantly, I would feel better and more like my self again.  After birth the woman's body will bleed for sometimes weeks. Imagine all this blood loss and nothing replacing that back into the body thats feeding a new life. I was taking walks the very next day after giving birth. I felt decent for just giving birth.  I was living in Tennessee and found it hard to be away from friends and family to share my experience with so I did undergo some sadness and feeling of homesickness but without the pills I know I would have been a mess.

How I felt about nursing and walking on day 2 of  being a Mom!!

 I live in Tennessee and found a woman who started a company called "beautifuldawnings" I called her the day of my birth, she showed up with a cooler, took my placenta, came back the following day with capsules, a tincture for future use, a dried up heart shape of my baby's cord, and a stamped print of the placenta on a piece of paper. The placenta is naturally the shape of a heart...isn't that soo cool!!! so the print is a heart of blood stamped by the placenta. I know I know this sounds weird but to me its beautiful!

 I recommend to every new mother to search out in your community where you can find someone to encapsulate your placenta and enjoy every minute of healing with your experience of  motherhood. Because no one should feel sadness while holding a bundle of joy and no one should be so tired that they miss out on all those times of staring at a sleeping newborn and being filled with gratitude!!

Personal Transformation

I am starting to feel a little less foggy in the head. I felt like since the birth of Amazing Grace my mind has been filled with a thick fog. I have been incredibly forgetful and I have had absolutely no room for new information to be stored...unless it was dealing with baby health and wellness. JJ would talk about the news and current events and my mind would shut off.  I would stare blankly thinking..."what is the importance of this, it doesn't matter and I don't want to think about it"... does it? does it matter whats going on in the world?

Before I was a mother I didn't stop thinking about current events and the falling apart of the planet and our people.  Now, I look at Amazing Grace and I think..."its not falling apart, its changing and the change will have balance like it always has. Look at my baby, she's perfect, she's new, she's....Amazing! and she is here now on this earth sharing it with us all. Nothing to me, is more important than her.  The world will be just as it needs to be for her too."... I will continue to do my part and be an example of the person I want her to be but I too believe that she will probably show me a better person than myself and I will end up wanting to be like her.

I started to come out of this fog and I needed a change, QUICK! I don't want to fall back to old habits, old patterns that tend to sneak up if not stopped. JJ was highly encouraging and pushes for my changes. He drove me to a salon, made me an appointment and has been the best support in my life. He runs his fingers through my head everyday and even styles it himself. He tells me daily how much he loves it and how beautiful I am.

Yup, I did it! I cut off ALL my hair. I always wanted to have short hair, not because I like it, but because I want to experience it in this life. What is it like to have short hair. To wake up and its not in your face, to go on a jog and not tie it back and midway through the jog have to stop and put it back because it fell out, to not wait half the day for it to dry, to not spend so much money on conditioner, to not have to wear a hat when the windows down in your car, to not have little tiny hairs fall out of your ponytail and tickle your face, to not worry about taking out the large dread lock after a wonderful love making session with your husband!  Oh, I wondered...I wondered what it was like...

Now I know!

Its really really nice!!!

Simple. Just the way I like things to be in life.

What I didn't know is that my hair had a history. A long long history. I have had long hair most my life. I have cut it to my shoulders twice before but always grew it right back out. Never had I cut it all off to fresh, new hair.

It was like I was storing past emotions in my hair, an old me that needed to be released. I couldn't see her because she was trapped in an old suit. Once I cut my hair off it was like the new Tarah, the mother, the wife, the yogi, the health lover, the nature girl came flying to the surface. I didn't need a job to define me, I didn't need long hair to be a woman of the earth, I didn't need a business or anything else I am here and I am growing up with my baby and my new husband. This is me, this is Tarah Lynn Peek. I am free!

Spring FEVER!

It has felt like such a long winter this year.  In the past I would look forward to winter for the skiing, snowshoeing, and watching the snowfall.  With a new baby and being in Tennessee none of that was on my list. This year I was mostly inside watching my Amazing grow and develop into a beautiful baby.  She is so full of curiosity and her personality is perfect. We did find a lot of time to be outside but the weather in Nashville is such a drag. Its either windy, rainy, or just gloomy without any white coverage.

There has been many changes inside however!

JJ and his mother helped make our little cave into a light filled basement. They had some windows punched out of the walls and in our bedroom to let the much needed sunshine into the house.  Mazi and I have been much better with the extra sunlight.  There is nothing like waking up with the sunshine.

Trying to get enough vitamin D these days is a challenging one. I am addicted to the sun and its much needed nourishment.

We have been visiting the local flea market and finding some old treasures to redo and place around the home, and we redecorated the living room to add some much needed change to the inside flow of things. Seeds are planted and growing in the window sills and we are trying to be so patient as we wait for spring to come.

Mazi is already a child of the outdoors. She sleeps best when on a walk. Going outside can always calm her down if she gets stir crazy and she watches out the window longing for her time outside each day. Rain or shine we venture out daily to give us some fresh air. She has been a trooper with all the weather. Tennessee can present such dreary weather and it lasts for days. We are currently in a 4 day overcast/rain spell right now and my frown hasn't been turned upside down.

I sure do lose a lot of inspiration for writing and being creative during these times of life and I feel as though I should be the most creative so I can show Mazi all the incredible things about life. My energy is low, my mind is too active but mostly on the the past and future, staying present is a challenge. I am so thankful that I have time for Mazi each day and she is what occupies my every moment of every day. I am just watching her grow, practicing multitasking, cooking new foods, and waiting...waiting for the sun to shine and take us out of this stagnation we are in.  I even caught a cold to make it all just a little more challenging.

I miss home, I miss my family and friends and I am in-LOVE with my own little family. Its the Yin to the Yang of life.

I personally, have gone through some much needed changes of my own this winter and already feel the new me starting to sprout, where it will take me? Thats left up to the almighty!