Simply Life

Our Simple Raw Life...A Natural Journey Of Creation

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Dark Night Of The Soul

I woke up the other morning completely and utterly confused.  I got down on my knees and sat by myself in silence. I rarely fall to my knees in meditation first thing in the morning, usually it takes me a while to gather myself in the morning and I meditate in the afternoon or evening with the sunset.
I didn't sleep much that night and have had several nights of terrible sleep, mostly due to Mazi teething, but this was me alone staring at the ceiling tiles while my family was peacefully catching ZZZZ's without me. Frustrated and confused I wondered...what is going on with me? Why with a beautiful little girl and a providing husband do I feel something missing? A hole inside.

I went for a morning walk and reflected and came to me. Now let me explain.

I have lived my life from a very young age connected to my spirit. The spirit to me is light airy above and beyond connecting me to the oneness of life, the entire "we are all one, we are connected to all" I get this, I feel this, the spirit I am good at...I have been spiritual most my life, even made an income on my spirituality and taught others how to come to feel their own. The spirit always IS. We just need to be still for one moment and there it is with us forever...


What about my soul?
The soul to me is grounding like a tree, dense, inside in my core, eternal yet very physical and human. I haven't given much time to get to know my soul. I run into things in life that trigger a soulful response and I often soak them up and feel almost high with that moment, loving it deeply, very full and for a sec, content. I recognize the sensations of my soul but I don't have a relationship with, lets say, her. My soul is the part of me that never leaves in life or death, I believe it is the unique part of me that is only mine. The spirit however is Divine and is one with ALL.

Maybe this makes sense, maybe not.  For me, I totally get it.

Having my baby girl has grounded me more than anything else in life. I thought my yoga practice grounded me but it actually kept me a float, I was in a total state of bliss and lightness, I was disconnected from my soul. I wanted to see things as positive and Divine, always. Thats a great way to live but it isn't human. In order for my experience in life to be total and complete I need to understand the depths of human emotion and action.

Mazi lives her life from her soul. She responds emotionally and feels deeply. Watching her teaches me this. She is completely present at all times, and for now, she focuses on her physical sensations and desires. She tests what pleases her and what she could do without. Surprisingly, she knows quite quickly what feeds her soul in her place in life. I once knew too when I was younger but I got side tracked in other agendas.

I still suffer to truly understand what my soul is all about, I am in "the dark night of my soul", a very important place to BE in, to recognize.  I know people struggle to find their purpose in this life, I believe that purpose is the soul becoming fulfilled, whatever that may be is different for each of us. I don't really know what this entails at this stage. If I was not a mother my way of connecting back to my relationship with my soul would be much different.  I don't really know where to go and what to do with that relationship when I give most of my time to my little gal. I know that things for me will continue to be confusing for a bit while I focus on Mazi and live in this dark night of the soul.

However, I still embrace it and will write about what I find here in the RAW.