I didn't sleep much that night and have had several nights of terrible sleep, mostly due to Mazi teething, but this was me alone staring at the ceiling tiles while my family was peacefully catching ZZZZ's without me. Frustrated and confused I wondered...what is going on with me? Why with a beautiful little girl and a providing husband do I feel something missing? A hole inside.
I went for a morning walk and reflected and pondered...it came to me. Now let me explain.
I have lived my life from a very young age connected to my spirit. The spirit to me is light airy above and beyond connecting me to the oneness of life, the entire "we are all one, we are connected to all" I get this, I feel this, the spirit I am good at...I have been spiritual most my life, even made an income on my spirituality and taught others how to come to feel their own. The spirit always IS. We just need to be still for one moment and there it is with us forever...
What about my soul?
The soul to me is grounding like a tree, dense, inside in my core, eternal yet very physical and human. I haven't given much time to get to know my soul. I run into things in life that trigger a soulful response and I often soak them up and feel almost high with that moment, loving it deeply, very full and for a sec, content. I recognize the sensations of my soul but I don't have a relationship with, lets say, her. My soul is the part of me that never leaves in life or death, I believe it is the unique part of me that is only mine. The spirit however is Divine and is one with ALL.
Maybe this makes sense, maybe not. For me, I totally get it.
Having my baby girl has grounded me more than anything else in life. I thought my yoga practice grounded me but it actually kept me a float, I was in a total state of bliss and lightness, I was disconnected from my soul. I wanted to see things as positive and Divine, always. Thats a great way to live but it isn't human. In order for my experience in life to be total and complete I need to understand the depths of human emotion and action.
Mazi lives her life from her soul. She responds emotionally and feels deeply. Watching her teaches me this. She is completely present at all times, and for now, she focuses on her physical sensations and desires. She tests what pleases her and what she could do without. Surprisingly, she knows quite quickly what feeds her soul in her place in life. I once knew too when I was younger but I got side tracked in other agendas.
However, I still embrace it and will write about what I find here in the RAW.