My Job As A Milkmaid

Motherhood...I have been waiting for this time in my life ever since I met JJ and KNEW without a doubt in my mind that he would be the father of my children.
I always saw myself as a mother who is available to my children, especially in the early years. Because of this vision I prepared myself with an empty schedule.  Literally. All my time is now devoted to my baby.  Thanks to the wonderful man in my life, I am able to do this. His support is a dream come true.

I am very thankful I did this because getting anything done is almost impossible. Some mothers are able to handle a baby with a job and three other children running around....
how is this done?

I have a baby... one baby and I am constantly at her service. Yes, this is going to change in time, but for now I am practicing attachment parenting, and I am the one who is getting attached. I have her in my arms or in a sling ALL day and night long, sparing an hour or two when her father gets home so that I can crash and take a nap.  He even cooks me dinner.

She eats at least every two hours and is gassy so needs to be burped for at least 15 to 20 minutes after she eats. She is one month old today and I have not left the house except to take her for daily walks in nature.  We haven't hit the city and avoid public places like the plague.
Am I too protective? Yes, but for now this just feels right. Because I became attached.
In yoga we practice non-attachment to things but how does this apply to our children? I am attached.

This will cause me pain, this will cause me stress, this will cause me grief but this is my choice and I want to be attached to this beautiful Amazing Grace that is now on this planet with JJ and I.

I am attached by the hip, by my breast, by my heart.

This child has taken all my time and I don't want to waste one minute looking at her and holding her for soon very soon she will crawl away, walk away, run away to live her life as an independent person on this planet.
When I feed her I stare at her and watch her suck from my body, my wise body creates just what she needs for her nutrition and growth. I watch her drink in new antibodies strengthening her immune system that will protect her for life, I watch her dimples move in and out as her cheeks work for my mothers milk, I hold her hand and watch,  I watch her.

Sometimes it hurts on the first latch but while I watch her I am filled with the hormones that take it all away and make me fall in-Love each time I feed her.  This happens every two or three hours of my day and my night, my new job as a milkmaid. I make her milk...this shocks me still. I am magnificent, at least in Amazing's eyes I am, she depends on me and I get to be here for her!

I even changed my eating habits, again, for her to provide the best nutrition and remove some gas from her little freshly working body. Bye-bye chocolate and dairy, broccoli, and beans my baby doesn't need you.

I get lonely and I get bored at times working at my new job, but being away from home from family from friends I will take this time to perfect my new job, as a milkmaid, and a mother!
~t

Learning Curves of Parenthood

Already JJ and I have been learning dramatic lessons about life in the week we have shared with Amazing Grace.

Little did I know that some decisions I made could have been very harmful even deadly to our little angel.
I did a lot of research on what I wanted for the birth of our child and I tried to do everything that could help her grow and get use to her new system. I knew that allowing the umbilical cord to stop pulsing gives the baby extra blood cells and in a full term child this is no problem, but what I didn't know was that in a preterm baby this can be very harmful.

A preterm baby is too small to have this flood of blood cells into their body. This causes them to have to breakdown the unused blood cells and with their little fragile livers this can be quite taxing of their bodies. Most babies can't do this and it causes their systems to build up bilirubin and causing jaundice in the baby. In most cases this is fine and the baby will get stronger and flush out their own systems but in my case I drained the blood into my infant from her cord and she couldn't flush it out herself.

We were sent to the hospital after her 5th day of life....

My worst nightmare, my baby was put in a plastic bed and was for the first time since birth, taken out of human arms. She was placed under UV lights and had to stay there for 24 hours to help her body rid the bilirubin.  I cried and cried to see my little child under these lights and out of arms.....horrible feeling, probably worse for me then her since she is a fighter.
JJ and I sat by her bed with our arms under the lights stroking her and touching her delicate skin. I breastfed her under the lights and for 24 hours this was our reality.
I ended up taking longer to heal myself because I was so stressed about my child that my uterus started to move back up  into my stomach and I began to bleed heavily again.

We got the free and clear and headed home. I have much to be thankful for! Amazing Grace is a fighter and she has proven to us that she is the one who is running this show now.

What I have learned is that for one, to let go of ANY expectations cause at any moment you expect something you will probably be let down. Go with the flow of life and Love every minute. Two, there must be balance in all things. As much as I avoid hospitals and doctors, they have such a place when holistic medicine isn't able to help. If we didn't have those lights, my Mazi Grace may have stayed really sick and had lingering issues. I will strive to seek the balance in more things and place my appreciation for this lesson.  Three, forgiveness. To forgive myself for anything that I could have done to create this situation. I held some guilt and it just about threw me over the edge. She is my baby and I am here to protect her but sometimes I may also do things that could harm her unknowingly and for this I must forgive myself.

All is well though and the journey has been wonderful. Now we sunbath together daily and eat lots and poop lots to keep her body healthy. She has returned to my arms and I have yet to put her down. I LOVE this baby so much and both JJ and I have so much to be grateful for.

The Birth of Amazing Grace Peek

This story starts out with a plan. A birth plan.  As soon as I found out I was pregnant I started preparing my birth plan and what I really wanted to happen when my baby came into this world. I visualized it all perfectly, it was full of detail that both JJ and I practiced together. We worked on positions that might be helpful, we had the idea of lighted candlelight and burning essential oils filling the room, we planned for a water birth and had a tub pick out and even had a cabin in th woods picked out  with the perfect deck to fill the tub on so Amazing Grace could be born outside.  We had planned on my sister coming to Tennessee to film the birth, take pictures, and witness a natural birth for herself. We had a midwife we had been seeing and discussing all these things with who was ready to help us facilitate our desires and plans, we were even planning on coming to the farm a few days to a week early just to hang and be there waiting for labor too start.....

Needless to say, nothing went as planned....

I was put on bed rest for two weeks when at my prenatal appointment I was dilated (opening of cervix) to a 2 and 75% effaced (thinning of cervix).  I sat in bed doing nothing but reading and eating to try and build up more fat for the baby, this lasted 4 days. 

I woke up August 31st, three weeks earlier than expected (have no expectations, I say), at 5am with a pop and then a gush of warm liquid flowing between my legs all over the bed,  I shook JJ awake saying "hunny, something just happened," it was the night of the blue moon and he just knew it was going to be tonight. He got up and without any surprise he said, "your water broke huh? I just knew it would".  We both got up quickly knowing we had an hour and half drive ahead of us. JJ was frantically grabbing stuff to pack up, luckily I had everything prepared except for what I would need personally for the birth.  JJ loaded the car and I roamed around confused on what to do. I threw some random clothes into a bag and we started on our way about 45 min later. I didn't have any laboring rushes (better less painful word for contractions) til about 35 minutes into the drive.
My midwife was out of town til the 9th of September, which was no problem since my due datewas the 17-20th, but she set me up with another midwife just in case, this was just that case!

JJ timed my rushes and immediately they were 2 minutes apart. We called the midwife Stacie and let her know to prepare the guest house cause things were happening QUICK! We had to go to a guest house instead of the cabin we picked out because there was couple staying there already.  As the drive slowly lingered my rushes became more intense and I found myself clenching the door and middle console as I lifted my hips and swirled them in a circle during each rush to disperse the built up energy that was moving in my pelvis. During my 2 minute break I fully surrendered into the seat gathering all the possible energy I could stir up. I was soooo ready to get out of the car and move my body.

When we got to the guest cabin Stacie and her two assistants were there setting up the medical supplies and preparing what was needed. JJ helped me move into to the bathroom and I released all I could to get more room in my pelvic floor.  As I hung from JJ's neck during the rushes I felt so heavy and I wanted to be in the water, I asked if we could prepare the tub, Stacie checked me to see if there was any time and I was dilated to a 9, there was no time.
About 20 min later I felt the urge to crawl in the bed and get on my side, I watched an Amazonian woman give birth this way and it seemed to be the only other picture that was in my mind if I couldn't be in the water.

JJ was remarkable and literally supporting my every rush with all his strength.
The midwife left JJ and I alone the entire time I was laboring. She mentioned we were a good team and we knew what we where doing so she was going to just let us do our thing. I felt like it was only JJ and I and it was nice, I kissed him during several rushes and gazed into his eyes and that seemed to help me through some of the more intense ones during the stage right before transition.

I hit transition quite quickly and was instantly feeling the desire to push.  I didn't want to rush the pushing so I could slowly stretch and not tear so I took my time. My breath was now low and animalistic sounding. My inner animal was definitely taking over now. I visualized my body opening and I talked to the spirit of Amazing Grace to connect and encourage her through this difficult part. The midwife came to help and within 20 minutes of pushing the baby was crowning. It became incredibly intense now and I could feel by pelvis separating in all directions, I knew there was only moving forward from here. I began pushing into the rushes and this helped make them feel very relieving. If I pushed with them. The energy inside me was so strong and I felt it coming from the top of my head and moving all the way down into my pelvic area where it would rest if I didn't work to push it out. I was totally exhausted inbetween rushes and found myself flopping my head down just to catch my breath. JJ would offer me water and rub my body.

With encouragement from both Stacie and JJ, I was able to gather the energy and with three more pushes I pushed Amazing Grace into this world.
She was instantly placed onto my chest and I looked at her trying to believe this was real. JJ was full of tears and he wrapped his arms around us both. We stared at this baby for hours and hours. About one hour after birth she started to suck gently on my breast, I cried as I felt this euphoric sensation of Love and connection flow through my body.

She weighed in at 5lbs 10oz, and 18 inches long. She is our little perfect angel and we are both sooo in-Love already! We didn't get to record the birth and we have little photos too but what we do have are the memories we have stored in our minds, hopefully they'll last a lifetime.

Thanks Amazing Grace Peek for choosing JJ and I to be your parents, we are the luckiest people in the world....in my eyes, at least!!