Already JJ and I have been learning dramatic lessons about life in the week we have shared with Amazing Grace.
Little did I know that some decisions I made could have been very harmful even deadly to our little angel.
I did a lot of research on what I wanted for the birth of our child and I tried to do everything that could help her grow and get use to her new system. I knew that allowing the umbilical cord to stop pulsing gives the baby extra blood cells and in a full term child this is no problem, but what I didn't know was that in a preterm baby this can be very harmful.
A preterm baby is too small to have this flood of blood cells into their body. This causes them to have to breakdown the unused blood cells and with their little fragile livers this can be quite taxing of their bodies. Most babies can't do this and it causes their systems to build up bilirubin and causing jaundice in the baby. In most cases this is fine and the baby will get stronger and flush out their own systems but in my case I drained the blood into my infant from her cord and she couldn't flush it out herself.
We were sent to the hospital after her 5th day of life....
My worst nightmare, my baby was put in a plastic bed and was for the first time since birth, taken out of human arms. She was placed under UV lights and had to stay there for 24 hours to help her body rid the bilirubin. I cried and cried to see my little child under these lights and out of arms.....horrible feeling, probably worse for me then her since she is a fighter.
JJ and I sat by her bed with our arms under the lights stroking her and touching her delicate skin. I breastfed her under the lights and for 24 hours this was our reality.
I ended up taking longer to heal myself because I was so stressed about my child that my uterus started to move back up into my stomach and I began to bleed heavily again.
What I have learned is that for one, to let go of ANY expectations cause at any moment you expect something you will probably be let down. Go with the flow of life and Love every minute. Two, there must be balance in all things. As much as I avoid hospitals and doctors, they have such a place when holistic medicine isn't able to help. If we didn't have those lights, my Mazi Grace may have stayed really sick and had lingering issues. I will strive to seek the balance in more things and place my appreciation for this lesson. Three, forgiveness. To forgive myself for anything that I could have done to create this situation. I held some guilt and it just about threw me over the edge. She is my baby and I am here to protect her but sometimes I may also do things that could harm her unknowingly and for this I must forgive myself.
All is well though and the journey has been wonderful. Now we sunbath together daily and eat lots and poop lots to keep her body healthy. She has returned to my arms and I have yet to put her down. I LOVE this baby so much and both JJ and I have so much to be grateful for.