Cousins!

Mazi and I spent about a month in Utah after our wedding at my parents house.  My sister is living there right now and she has a little girl 3 months younger than Mazi.  Little Miloh, well she isn't too little since she weighs more than Mazi already. It was such a nice stay, we did so many fun activities as well as doing nothing at all some days.   After a week of being back in Tennessee, Amber and Miloh came out to stay with us for two weeks. We have had a great time hanging together and sharing our lives.  They are leaving tomorrow and it is so sad. I really hate that they are so far away from us. Someday soon I will be close to my family again!!  I can't express how nice it is to have family with me each day. Yes, my sister and I fight still sometimes, but we always smooth it over as our personalities are so different but our souls are so connected.

Each day was filled with walks, talks, the zoo, swimming, parties, and lots of cousin time.  These two little girls are finally starting to notice each other.  They take interest in grabbing each others hair, ears, and any other protruding body part.  They will often talk together, taking turns at screaming and gooing.  I even noticed that Mazi has a possession over her toys already or maybe its just she wants whatever Miloh has at that time.  I am thrilled that Mazi has a cousin that is her age to grow up with and create many memories with. I have many close cousins and the memories I share with them will never leave me. This is such a great time in our lives.

We will surely miss the company when they leave us tomorrow.

Confessions Of A Mother

Mother's Day was last weekend and I spent the weekend with my lovely family at Dale Hollow Lake in Tennessee. The weather was sunny with a nippy little breeze.  Outside my skin I was chilly, but inside I felt the warmth of my family.  It was a sweet weekend with massage from my hubby, a gentle boat ride with the baby, dinner, nature walks and quality time spent together.

I was in a great place and I soaked in the closeness of the family at that time. I thought a lot about being a Mother and how lucky I am to have this blessing in my life. Gratitude filled my soul.

On our drive home we had the windows down and were soaking in the fresh air. The closer to Nashville we got the warmer it got. I happened to look back at Amazing, sitting in her car seat, she just woke up from a nap.  She looked very content and as though she might just fall back asleep again.  I stared at her and tuned into myself, thinking how much joy I feel being able to be this little girls Mother. This gift is so special so sacred and I am so in Love with my new role. I am crazy about Mazi.

All of a sudden as I watched my little angel she started to vomit, it just kept coming and coming, I jumped into the back seat like a frog on a lily pad, legs on the back seat and as fast as my fingers could, I whipped Mazi out of her car seat and into my lap, I patted her back and helped her finished spewing out banana, yogurt and whatever else she ate for breakfast.  I held her close to my chest, kissed her head and stripped off her clothing. As I sat in the back seat holding her I imagined what every mother, i'm sure, imagines at these times...what I would do if something terrible happened to this perfect child of mine.  I got teary eyed and my heart felt so much pain that I held her even closer. I could feel her body heat and knew that she was probably sick due to the heat and the bumpy car ride...and nothing more but I couldn't stop these feelings of wanting to protect my child from everything.  JJ sat in the front seat and acted like it was no big deal, "Ah, she's probably car sick, give her some water." which I did, and she threw that up later as well.


I thought about that moment holding my little girl, which by the way she acted like it was no big deal. she wanted to be in my arms but she wasn't crying or anything, just feeling my shock startled her a little.  What do we as Mothers do? I can hardly control my actions with her. Every cry I am there, I have been told "Your spoiling her, she is fine." but I think, she has no other way to communicate and she is crying to tell me to come and get her.  I want to build a relationship of trust, this is where it begins, I want Mazi to trust that I will be there for her.  I must listen to my instincts, and I WILL.  So, everytime she cries I pick her up and she happily reaches out for my touch.  I can't, I just can't let her cry herself to sleep. I put her down for every nap and at bedtime either by nursing, rocking, singing or walking her to sleep. If she wakes up, I get to her side as quickly as I am able and I give her what she needs. Yes, sometimes I miss out on my time and I end up going to bed at 8:30pm but...someday she won't need me. Today she does. Someday she will sleep in her own bed, today she sleeps with us. Someday she will communicate with words, today she cries when she needs me.

What is it in our society that pushes us to make our children independent before they can even walk, roll, crawl, or speak?  I don't get it.   I've heard, "its for their own good, so they don't manipulate you." She is only trying to tell me that she doesn't feel safe in the world quite yet and she wants me there by her side while she gets use to how this crazy place works.

I watched my baby throw-up and it tore out my heart, yet I couldn't do anything to stop it and I wanted to I wanted to take it all away. I know I will always feel this way when she is sick or hurt and I will have to be strong for her. I don't want to enable her but I want to be there for her, WHENEVER she needs me to. This paradox of choices I have and how best to know when I am  enabling or when I am nurturing, I may never know but I feel it inside that I am suppose to be there for everything big or small right now, that today my baby is dependent on me.  I feel nothing telling me that I should push independence on her, that on her own time...yes it may take a few years but on her own time she will step away from me with confidence and with grace!!!

Lucky Number Three

Lucky numbers have always been a thing for me. Seeing the number 11:11 and feeling like I am in the right place at the right time. Feeling like things seem to happen in threes for me, all the time. I guess I have set up the perception that numbers to me are a luck symbol and they have shown to be true.

This month I married my loving partner at the Grand Canyon. Making this my third marriage. The luckiest one of all. I now have a family of three, adding yet, even more luck to the deal.
JJ Peek, in all his simple ways made this wedding incredibly extravagant, in my opinion. He choose the Grand Canyon because he loves it there and because I have always wanted to go see it but never quite made the trip on my own and because of all the magic it offers.  Oh the beauty of this earth!! I am so glad we made it happen the way we did. It was such a time of appreciation for so many reasons. I reflected on the years it took to create such a place and the vast space from one peak to the next, 10 miles across, one mile deep of magnificent red rock canyon.

The desert has always been so special to both JJ and I and now we get to add even more significance to its already spiritual existence!!

We started our day with a Native American named Uqualla, he is the shaman who gave our union the most beautiful blessing. Each word he said spoke directly to us. We resonated with the land, his chanting and the air was filled with our ancestors spirits and our living witnesses of our ever connecting bond of union. We were outside on sacred ground and the world seemed to have froze in place. It was still and reverent as he spoke, at least for a while until Amazing needed to be known...haha! It was simply beautiful, a moment I will never forget.

As we moved toward the Grand Canyon cliffs, JJ wanted to surprise me by holding me in his arms and carrying me to the cliff edge while my eyes were closed. He said he wanted to have me look into the canyon for the first time while I was in his arms. Oh was I shocked, it looked fake as though it was a backdrop or something. The canyon is so big that the distant peaks fade into a slight haze. As we stood there hand in hand, lips to lips I couldn't have been in a more magical moment,  a more magical place...it was perfect! The sun was shinning, the birds are chirping and it seemed that we were the only ones there at the canyon.  It was Easter Sunday and the place was vacant. My brother said some beautiful words, JJ's mother said some too, we read our vows to each other, I cried, and we kissed and kissed til everyone was sick of us doing so. I could have walked around that park all day. Every site was spectacular and different from the one before and as the sun changed so did the shadows and the view. It reminded me of what our marriage will be like. The views will change, there will be shadows uncovered along the way but it will still remain incredibly spectacular and each year it will grow deeper and deeper until the roots are so thick and intertwined that we will never know what it was like not having each other and our bond.

I am so thankful for this life of mine it is as good as it gets! I look forward to the exciting future with a constant reminder that it is this moment that I live for.

To JJ, my love,
You are me sun and my stars my air that I breath. You help me to be better each day and you challenge me like no other has. Thank you for choosing me and for helping me create the family I always wanted. I Love you more than you'll ever know.
~t