Confessions Of A Mother

Mother's Day was last weekend and I spent the weekend with my lovely family at Dale Hollow Lake in Tennessee. The weather was sunny with a nippy little breeze.  Outside my skin I was chilly, but inside I felt the warmth of my family.  It was a sweet weekend with massage from my hubby, a gentle boat ride with the baby, dinner, nature walks and quality time spent together.

I was in a great place and I soaked in the closeness of the family at that time. I thought a lot about being a Mother and how lucky I am to have this blessing in my life. Gratitude filled my soul.

On our drive home we had the windows down and were soaking in the fresh air. The closer to Nashville we got the warmer it got. I happened to look back at Amazing, sitting in her car seat, she just woke up from a nap.  She looked very content and as though she might just fall back asleep again.  I stared at her and tuned into myself, thinking how much joy I feel being able to be this little girls Mother. This gift is so special so sacred and I am so in Love with my new role. I am crazy about Mazi.

All of a sudden as I watched my little angel she started to vomit, it just kept coming and coming, I jumped into the back seat like a frog on a lily pad, legs on the back seat and as fast as my fingers could, I whipped Mazi out of her car seat and into my lap, I patted her back and helped her finished spewing out banana, yogurt and whatever else she ate for breakfast.  I held her close to my chest, kissed her head and stripped off her clothing. As I sat in the back seat holding her I imagined what every mother, i'm sure, imagines at these times...what I would do if something terrible happened to this perfect child of mine.  I got teary eyed and my heart felt so much pain that I held her even closer. I could feel her body heat and knew that she was probably sick due to the heat and the bumpy car ride...and nothing more but I couldn't stop these feelings of wanting to protect my child from everything.  JJ sat in the front seat and acted like it was no big deal, "Ah, she's probably car sick, give her some water." which I did, and she threw that up later as well.


I thought about that moment holding my little girl, which by the way she acted like it was no big deal. she wanted to be in my arms but she wasn't crying or anything, just feeling my shock startled her a little.  What do we as Mothers do? I can hardly control my actions with her. Every cry I am there, I have been told "Your spoiling her, she is fine." but I think, she has no other way to communicate and she is crying to tell me to come and get her.  I want to build a relationship of trust, this is where it begins, I want Mazi to trust that I will be there for her.  I must listen to my instincts, and I WILL.  So, everytime she cries I pick her up and she happily reaches out for my touch.  I can't, I just can't let her cry herself to sleep. I put her down for every nap and at bedtime either by nursing, rocking, singing or walking her to sleep. If she wakes up, I get to her side as quickly as I am able and I give her what she needs. Yes, sometimes I miss out on my time and I end up going to bed at 8:30pm but...someday she won't need me. Today she does. Someday she will sleep in her own bed, today she sleeps with us. Someday she will communicate with words, today she cries when she needs me.

What is it in our society that pushes us to make our children independent before they can even walk, roll, crawl, or speak?  I don't get it.   I've heard, "its for their own good, so they don't manipulate you." She is only trying to tell me that she doesn't feel safe in the world quite yet and she wants me there by her side while she gets use to how this crazy place works.

I watched my baby throw-up and it tore out my heart, yet I couldn't do anything to stop it and I wanted to I wanted to take it all away. I know I will always feel this way when she is sick or hurt and I will have to be strong for her. I don't want to enable her but I want to be there for her, WHENEVER she needs me to. This paradox of choices I have and how best to know when I am  enabling or when I am nurturing, I may never know but I feel it inside that I am suppose to be there for everything big or small right now, that today my baby is dependent on me.  I feel nothing telling me that I should push independence on her, that on her own time...yes it may take a few years but on her own time she will step away from me with confidence and with grace!!!